Biography
I am a second generation Korean American female that struggled terribly during my childhood and to my adulthood. In my family, my life was nonexistent. I was resented, unloved, neglected, and treated like a ghost from my biological parents. My father was a manic depressed, alcoholic during my whole life. My mother is a “narcissistic mother” whom never wanted me and told me that her greatest regret in life was having to stop breastfeeding my brother because I was born.
My life began in a very toxic environment and has effected my choices in life and has brought self doubt throughout my life. Ive tried multiple times to commit suicide, but somehow, it’s always failed on me. At the age of 20, I found ART. From there, my life and choices have changed and my art keeps evolving into something original. After I finish an artwork, I can release a part of tension that was broken and tarnished from my mangled heart. Then, a newfound of freedom and self love is unlocked for me to prevail and execute my next work of art.
Growing up in a muddled family, my brother, the “golden child” attended USC as I was told that my intellect will not allow me to attend any prestigious universities. I was called “babo” which means stupid in Korean. I was naively tricked that I did not need to take my SAT’s. As a child, I believed everything they conveyed to me. Later in life, I realized that I was deceived and it brought joy to them when any kind of aspiration came into my life and I gave them the power to demolish any good that came my way. I was my families punching bag. I struggled extensively from the trauma that I had endured because I thought that I was the poison that was savagely destructing the family. Then, later, after 37years of life, I realized that it was not me but rather I was surrounded with toxic people.
Eventually, I had persevered many obstacles from my life. After graduating high school at the year of 2000, I enrolled myself to FIDM, studied hard for Marketing and Product Development and graduated cum laude at a 3.8 GPA. Regretfully, I never attended that graduation because I foolishly let “my family’s word” jeopardize my future choices.
At the age of 20, something static happened. My life changed and I ferociously pursued my life as an artist. I ecstatically announced my newfound passion to my family, and they brutally laughed and impertinently told me I was crazy. Shockingly, for the first time in my life, I numbed them out and passionately started learning all about the ARTS. Creativity was not in my vocabulary, as I never drew as a kid, nor did any arts and crafts.
Anxiously, I took my passion for painting and drawing and started enrolling in all the art classes at a community college. I dedicated myself in so many art classes and studied about art night and day. I judiciously isolated myself with art. I forcefully wanted all the knowledge about art, artists, history…etc that time passed so quickly, that within 2 years, I have taken so many classes that I received an AA in Drawing and Painting. At 2003, Cerritos Community College awarded me “Student of the Year Curricular Art Award.” For the first time in my life, I felt pride and I knew this was my calling, passion, and purpose for my life. Since, I couldn’t afford to transfer to a prestigious university, I applied to only one school that was close to where I lived, California State University of Fullerton. From there, I graduated with a Deans List and received my BFA in 2007.
After graduation, I wanted to get experience, and produce series of artwork and only focusing on the purpose of my artwork. Merrily, 2007 was a dream and seemed effortless with all the upcoming events. The Bill Lowe Gallery in Santa Monica, CA had called me and asked me if they can represent me as one of their Artists, so I happily signed with them. A month later, TARFEST Festival of Film, Music, and art in Los Angeles CA, chose one of my art pieces “Choices” to be represented in the Korean Culture Center. Also, in 2007, I was chosen for an Artist Residency for two months and was the youngest artist to exhibit in “The Red Arrow Gallery” in Joshua Tree with two other artists. I was publicized in Korea Times, Los Angeles and an exclusive article about me as an artist in the Hi Desert Star in Joshua Tree News. In the last months of 2007 and first month of 2008, I was granted $600 to stay at Kimmel Harding Nelson Center in Nebraska for another artist residency. With the works that I produced at the residency, I was granted a $1000 honorarium, with a two month solo exhibition in Omaha, Nebraska at the Art Loft of Florence Mill. In 2009 I went to Madison, Wisconsin for another Residency and produced more than twenty works during my stay. At 2010, from those artworks, I was fortunate to be asked to show in a two artist exhibition in Stockton, California at the “LH Horton Gallery.” My artwork was hung throughout the gallery for a full month.
However, at 2009 I got married and had my first child at 2010 and my second child at 2012. My goal, my ultimate mission was for me to attend graduate school at UCLA or YALE. Since birth, I felt unwanted and my self worth was at the lowest. From 2012, I have accumulated many diseases that will be with me forever. From my traumatic upbringing , I now have been officially diagnosed with Lupus, Psoriatic Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, seizures, depression, anxiety and so much more. For the past 10 years of my life, I have devoted my life to my children, for I never wanted them to feel neglected or think Love is conditional.
Moving forward, my birthday is the hardest day of the year for me, because it was instilled in me since I was a child that I shouldn’t have been born and if anyone had a daughter like me, they would commit suicide. Yes, my own mother would say these horrific statements. And its daunting and devilish, but I have ART, where I express all my emotions through childhood and now with new mediums. Capturing the mixed media into a more fluid art by creating texture with encaustic, oil paint, pastels, watercolor, ink, and anything that I can manipulate into my ideal portrait’s, filled with depth, creativity, and love, for my viewers to grasp all the delicate details, to the powerful vibrant colors and engulfing texture. But I am 39 years old and my birthday just passed and my depression was steadily rising, and life became hard.
To be completely honest and conclude with the moral of my story is that MY children saved my life. On July 21, 2021, the day of my birth, I was so exhausted with life and felt as if I was a burden to my whole family! For the first time in my children’s eyes, they see mommy crying. And then something magical happened, my 9year old son, ran to his room and started reading me books, just like when he was a baby I would read him all the books about love, and no matter what, I would love him unconditionally. Then, my daughter whose 10 started reading to me everyday since then, every night until I fall asleep. Now, it’s my time!
I’m back with my artwork, and now it’s even more defined and more powerful than before. I’ve grown and matured as an artist. My new works are unique and attentively created.
Sariah's Blog
Sariah's Blog
This is a place where I vent and become completely transparent. These are my thoughts and my emotions. Think what you want, this is me!!!
Homemaker and an artist. 2015
Am I an artist? I make no money so I can't define myself as an artist. Are we not anything unless we make money? People judge and differentiate ones success and wealth with friendship. Many artists don't make enough money to support themselves. There's always another job, a side job. We, artists connect with one another. We form a unity. However, our goal is to be successful as an artist. But if we sell ourselves cheap, than we get looked upon negatively.
Many artists, such as myself despise Thomas Kinkade. When someone's asks me what I do and I reply artist, some will say Oh my goodness, this is so cool. I love Thomas Kinkade. ...then my thought is, you don't know nor understand art, Kinkade is such mainstream. He sells his work throughout shopping centers and reproduces his work like crazy (all though I am happy for him, but his paintings puts us in this euphoria non -existent world. ) Again , going off tangent, I am an artist and I make no money. That's right, art is something I need and would love to succeed solely and financially. Rather than living paycheck by paycheck unless your one of those elite rich people, who have all those connections and money to be supported. But that's not me.
Most of my day is taking care of my children. Making sure that they are fed, socially interactive with others, mentally stimulated....again, this is another occupation where others don't perceive me as serious cause we don't make money. but truthfully, being a mother is exhausting, especially mentally. I am basically taking care of these two little people, and the upbringing is so important. Yet its so satisfying. Moving on....
I guess the moral of this blog entry is that I am an artist and homemaker. I am proud but sometimes get discouraged. Just another challenge that I must overcome.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired! 2015
It really is disappointing to hear that I have a disease, especially when it is a chronic disease. But what do I do when I have responsibilities like raising my two children, keeping the house in order, and having food prepared. It SUCKS! But how can I be positive about this. Doctor says I can’t exercise, be stressed, over exert myself or be out in the sun for a long time. How is this possible? Life is full of surprises and stress and over exerting oneself is a common thing in motherhood. Although life is unpredictable, I don’t want to complain nor want sympathy over my sickness. Being vulnerable is scary. Being vulnerable makes me feel like I have been defeated. But what can I do to show my kids that I am strong and giving up is not an option. How is God helping me with this? How is he beside me and loving me when he’s only giving me heartache?
I will get through this! I will surpass the tiredness and sickness! How can I live stress free? First thing is first. I have to be able to find a solution in being able to keep the house clean, raising my children in a fun and loving home, making sure the fridge is packed with good food, and being able to be sane without exercising and going outside. So I found a reasonable solution. I made cleaning the house a fun activity (basically, I told my children if they don’t clean up their toys, it will be locked up). Half of their toys have been locked up. Their kitchen set had a rope tied around it since last week. My kids character cabinet has been child locked for the past month. Their markers have been placed on top of a bookshelf.
Honesty is huge aspect in my life. I strive for the truth. No matter how heart wrenching it is, I want the TRUTH.
Korean Traditions 2015
My childhood…Being born into a first generation Korean family.
We, “females” must be strong and never give up!!!
Here are some of the rules that we Koreans are taught at a very young age. I’m not talking about 3rd generation and beyond. I’m talking about 1st and 2nd generation.
Some Known Rules that are stamped into Korean Traditions.
We always had to respect Korean traditions.
Learning the Korean Language First and being well versed was mandatory.
The word NO is not in their vocabulary. (For example, my husband was called the “Yes Man” he was never able to say no, or speak his mind. His mind was already spoken for…Sucks butt, but he learned how to speak his mind and say no when we met. –his parents didn’t like me very much…. obviously. I get it..)
When an elder is speaking to you, you must put your head down. (rather in America, were taught to look at the person in the eye and understand them) And let me tell you that this was the most confusing shit to me in Kindergarten. The teacher would be speaking to me and I would stare at the ground out of respect, so she would get mad and say that it is rude. And then I get home, and my father is scolding me about something and I look at him straight in the eyes and his eyes light up with rage. As if he wants to tear my eyes apart. “But daddy, I learned in Kindergarten that we’re supposed to look at a person in the eye when they are speaking to you…” but I wasn’t able to talk back, so that’s what I said to myself. Let me tell you again. It confused the shit out of me.
As you might already know, I am an Artist. I paint portraits. Nothing like the scientifically mind of DaVinci or the intricate curascuro Caravaggio, but rather an emotional painter.
What a scary position I am in. I'm about to reveal snippets of my life. I mean, this is not normal for a Korean. Especially when were supposed to be "Submissive." And I assure you that I am NOT submissive. It's probably the worst quality I have with my family. I'm what they call the "black sheep." My brother, he's the CEO of a big company that graduated from USC. Yes, he's the golden child. The Wonder boy, the son that every Korean parent desire.
Hi WORLD….. 2015
Just another story…
I don’t give a shit anymore of what you might think of me.!!!
I am who I am because of my upbringings'
The greatest lesson I learned from my child-life and parents are what I shouldn’t do that was done upon me.
I woke up today wanting to start a blog… I’m tired of being judged! I am 32 years old, married, with two beautiful children and I’m still afraid of even beginning because of what my parents might think. If they even knew what I was doing, they would probably tell me what to say and what NOT to say. And there will probably be a lot of what NOT to say. You know, because we Koreans have a reputation to keep.
I’m Korean with a shit load of problems. Yes, I was born in America, Portland Oregon to be exact. But as a 1st generation, my parent’s mindset was still based on “Korean traditions” I’m Korean, not American as they always told me. But I had to do well in school, get good grades and go to a University where they can boast about me to their “so called friends.”….which I never accomplished. I am their huge disappointment. I’m not writing this to get sympathy. I’m simply writing this because I am a proud woman. I may feel like I hit rock bottom sometimes but overall, I am who I am and I should love ME. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to pretend to be all cheery and bubbly when I’m not. I want to touch other individuals and speak for them. I want to show others who feel trapped that they shouldn’t. It’s OKAY. Love yourself because you are beautiful. And you are born into this world because you are needed…So if you want to hear more, stay tuned.
Until next time….Goodnight world!!!!!
Life is full of jealousy!! 2015
You browse the net and there are millions of things you want. You see a woman passing by with the utmost perfect body. You see another woman with that Chanel bag you wanted and that Louis Vuitton bracelet you craved for. And in a distant away you see a family laughing and enjoying their time in life. I am materialistic and always want more. Aren’t we all? Are we just terrified to admit it because someone might think of us in some bad way?
We have someone we stalk on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or some other social network. If you don’t, then I’m jealous. I have someone I stalk. This girl perceives her life as perfect and I’m jealous. I see the new things she bought, the places she goes out to eat, and the new adventures she encounters.
I ask myself, “Sariah, why do you do this to yourself?” It’s so hard to control myself. I just can’t understand my routine. I know that it’s bad for me, but still I proceed on. I tell myself that I won’t do it again, and without me knowing, I am following her again. I feel so alone and defeated at times. Don’t get mistaken. I have a wonderful family. My children are absolutely adorable and perfect to me. I have a healthy relationship with my husband and an overweight dog. I should be grateful for what I have. But it’s not that simple. It’s not in our nature. We want more! I want more!
Is blood thicker than water? 2015
2015
We imply that family ties are always more important than the ties you make among friends. That bond is stronger when it comes to family than people outside the family.
This theory made me so mad when I first heard about it. It got me as mad as I was growing up. But as you read on to my story, I hope you understand that it can happen to the family you make. It can be life changing. I’m sure many of you have “that” perfect family, that loving mother, that father daughter relationship, that bother who protects you and that sister you tell everything to. But know this, the fortunate ones that have that bond with your family, consider yourself grateful. I on the other hand, don’t feel like I was placed in a loving home and environment. I have never seen my father sober for more than 24hrs. His love for alcohol is so strong that no one can break his bond with his green bottle. It’s so strong that my own daughter thinks “the green bottle” is grandpa’s water. It breaks my heart to know that the relationship that my children will have with their maternal grandfather will be so blurry. Don’t get me wrong, my father has the biggest heart anyone can imagine. He’s not an aggressive drunk; he’s just an addicted drunk. He goes to alcohol to wipe away his sadness and anger. It’s his greatest love and no one; I mean no one can surpass that. And I say this to the world because I know many, I mean tens of thousands are going through the same thing and I want you to know that you are not alone. I also write this to assure myself that I am NOT alone. When one parent has a big sickness, it’s not easy for the family or the sicker.
Have you ever asked yourself why your mother had you? Or perhaps even asked her why? I have every day of my life. So one day I tried to seek my answer. I asked my mother, “Why did you have me?” Her reply, “because I just did, it was my time to, there was nothing else, I had no choice.” I was dumbfounded. I was struck by lightning. I couldn’t believe my ears. All those years of feeling neglect became a reality. I wondered if she even cared to think about how I would feel if she said that. I’m sure she loves me. I’m sure she cares about me. But those words reassured me of my existence. I escaped through drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. To me, life was meaningless. It wasn’t those words that made me depressed but it was the fact that her actions conveyed the truth behind her words. And that that is what hurt me. I tell this short conversation with my mother and me to you because I don’t want you to give up hope. Don’t be searching for your mother’s love if it’s not there. Don’t be begging for it and get hurt again. Live for yourself. Know that you are more important than you think you are. I say this to myself, even though at times it’s so hard to believe it. Know that there is someone out there that will love you unconditionally. Yes, UNCONDITIONALLY!!!! I didn’t believe it until I opened my heart to my husband. He believed in me and loves me unconditionally. And yes, it will happen to you. I don’t want to be so religious, but God explains how with all the suffering and hurt, He will fill it with good and happiness. Just be patient and believe in yourself.
Even for siblings. My brother and I are like night and day. He’s only 16 months older than I am and tries his best to delete me. I’m never in his thoughts or concerns. I understand everyone has a life and life does not revolve around me. But when your own brother doesn’t talk to you for years, or doesn’t call you when you had a baby, or doesn’t respond when you wish him a happy birthday or doesn’t refer you as “his sister.” Then stop letting that affect you and move on. I know it’s easier told than done. I’m sure; he’s probably this amazing person that’s successful, wealthy and popular to the public. I say this for myself and you. Stop seeking what you cannot get. Stop wasting energy on something that’s not going anywhere. Instead, learn from that. As I have two children, and they too are almost 2years apart, I strive for their friendship among each other. I make it a priority that they must love each other. If they get into arguments, I make them hold hands and hug it out until it’s settled. Sure, it’s a lot of effort and discipline but I don’t want their relationship like how my brother and I are. And be rewarded with all your hard work. Today was my daughter’s pre-school Easter celebration. And she waited until the end, until we got home to open all her eggs and gave half to her brother. For a four year old to give up half her Easter eggs, which she only had a totally of 13 was the most rewarding thing for a mother to see that bond and kindness. Like I said before, God will fill those holes in other ways unimaginable. Just believe and thank Him. And you did it. You made that kindness between your children and God was behind it all.
HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND EVERYONE. I HOPE I KEEP INSPIRING YOU AND ENCOURAGING YOU TO LIVE AND BE HAPPY.
Love Versus Vulnerability!
2015
I haven’t spoken with my mother or my brother in over a year. No need of feeling sorry for me, it’s typical and common for my family. But it still saddens me every day knowing that my relationship with my family is a big black hole. I keep telling myself that I can’t let it affect my life. I write this because I’m tired of letting it bother me. I choose not to speak with my mother and my brother chooses not to speak to me. I’m tired of feeling belittled by them. I remember a time in high school where my mother got mad at me and didn’t speak to me for over a year. And that made my brother and my father not to speak to me either. It was a difficult time for me. My whole family disconnected from me and acted as if I was DEAD. I would walk past them in the hallway and get phone calls from my friends (I remember my brother saying, “bitch, get the phone!”) and that would be my only communication from my family; Bitch, get the phone! At that time, I was angry with their actions and I rebelled. Smoking, alcohol, and drugs were my escape. I was walking by myself to puberty, thinking I knew everything. I was ONLY fourteen years old. Still today, I don’t know what I did to cause the silence, but it seems as if in my family, it becomes like a domino effect. If I anger one person in the household, the others will just follow and keep a distant. It feels like shit but everyone is raised differently.
Now I have my own children to raise. And I don’t want them to feel what I felt. But I can’t focus. I keep going off tangent and drift to my past nightmares. I write this thought because there are many people out there seeking love where there is none to sought for. People want what they cannot have. I don’t know why, but it seems like the nature of things. I wanted wavy hair, so I permed my hair; got the curls and now I want my straight hair back. We’re never satisfied, I am not satisfied. I want more! I wanted to feel loved by my family, I wanted them to love me unconditionally, I wanted them to give me hug and tell me that I’m worth it, that I’m special….But all I was thinking was what I wanted. How about what they wanted? I’m sure I wasn’t easy to raise and even a nightmare at times. I was a girl with rage. I don’t know. But the whole time, I wasted time on what I want. I wanted what others perceived as having love. Again, I would ask God, why he put me on this earth? Why he chose me to be born into this family? Others would tell me that time would heal the hurt. Some would tell me that life is too short. I feel exponentially lonely and vulnerable. Brene Brown states “The Power of Vulnerability” Being vulnerable is a good thing. Being vulnerable also represents ones whole heart.
As I struggle each day and life becomes harder to discover, I keep thinking to myself that my behavior can be negative towards my children. As I am showing my family that it’s okay to be vulnerable, sad, and lonely. It’s okay, cause mommy will get through this. And it shows that I’m not giving up and persevering. I keep reminding myself that my family is most precious in my life. I teach my children that no matter what they do and what they say to me, I will love them no matter what. I believe that what happens in ones childhood could be a detrimental and life breaking thing. That that one happening in ones past can change everything.
Until next time.